If on a lazy Sunday afternoon, you happen to be at a wine cellar in suburban Florida, sharing a cheese platter with your friends on the open-air patio, you may see a twentysomething girl hunkered in the corner by herself, slurping on bottomless mimosas and scribbling things down in her OfficeMax notebook. Psst…that’s me. For … Continue reading Why God Lets Me Feel Lonely
Why ‘F*ck Everything” is Not Very Christian
I look up from my phone and smoke puffs out of my nostrils. Oh. No. He. Did. Not. I’m like, what is this feeling, so sudden and new? Ah. Anger. I feel anger. I won’t say why. Let’s just say something very unfair happened. I pocket my phone and gun the engine. Then I take … Continue reading Why ‘F*ck Everything” is Not Very Christian
We Need to Talk About Our Friendship
Why did I move to Florida? I’m sitting in the parking lot outside my friend’s apartment, browning under the sun’s hot breath. My fingers pick at Publix sushi that’s gone slimy. Orlando is wet, sticky, violent. It’s the place where you learn the contours of your body through sweaty shorts and tank tops.* Except, I’m … Continue reading We Need to Talk About Our Friendship
Why I Can’t Be By Myself
I’m at a pizza place by myself, sweating through my coffeeshop T-shirt and chewing on a slice of pepperoni. As I scroll through the contacts on my phone, my fingers leave greasy smudges on the screen. I call the leasing office at my apartment complex and, when a lady answers, I say: “Hi. So, erm, … Continue reading Why I Can’t Be By Myself
Jesus and the Single Girl
She’s wearing a ring. I just met her today at the coffeeshop and now we’re splitting Ben & Jerry’s in the Walmart parking lot. The Florida sun wages warfare on our shoulders. I point my plastic spoon at her wedding ring and say: “How do you do it?” “What do you mean?” she says. “How … Continue reading Jesus and the Single Girl
Why I Used to Hate My Body
“Don’t worry. You’ll fill out.” I can’t remember who told me this, but I held onto it like a God-breathed promise. I wanted to feel full. Filled-out. Like a Build-a-Bear teddy. Freshly fluffed. I know this will make your eyes roll. But believe me when I say, in middle school, I felt—and was told—that I … Continue reading Why I Used to Hate My Body
What I Long For the Most
“Rachel, are you joining?” A woman at church points to a stack of paperbacks in her Amazon Prime box. I stare. Open my mouth. Close my mouth. “The women’s Bible study?” she adds. Oh. Bible, good. Women, good. Studying together, good. “Yes,” I say. She hands me a copy of the study book. I examine … Continue reading What I Long For the Most
Being Obsessed With You
All it took was one text message. Hey, she said. That thing you said on Monday… I look up from my phone. My mind jumps back. What did I say on Monday? Ah yes. I remember. I mentioned how 2018 was not my favorite year. (Why? Grab a coffee with me and I will probably not … Continue reading Being Obsessed With You
